Feeling Better

It's been 2 days since the treatment, and I feel so much better. It's amazing what the benedryl does to me. Thankfully the rest of the treatments won't be quite like this one is, so I won't feel so drained of energy. And I'm still extremely thankful that I've had no nausea. That is such a blessing.

I'm still waiting to hear back on when my surgery will be. Once that happens, it'll be easy sailing from now on.

Chemo, Version 2

Today was a rough day. I had my first Taxol/Herceptin treatment today, and it was very long. Very Long. They started the anti-nausea pills and other things first, then the Taxol, then the Herceptin. I got there at 10:30 a.m. and left at 4:00 p.m.! Almost 6 hours. I didn't realize it was going to be that long. I slept for a good part of it - they gave me some benedryl, so that knocked me out for a bit. And when it was over, I came home. I have no energy today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better with my energy level.

Tech vs UVA

Go Hokies! I'm down in Blacksburg and we're celebrating our big win against UVA! It was an ugly game - we had the yards but had the hardest time getting the ball in the end zone. But we won, yippee! And now we go to the ACC Championship, either to play BC or Florida State. We'll know in about 15 minutes who it is. We lost to both teams earlier this year, so it would be nice to come out of the ACC game with a win.

It was a bit chilly out today. I was warmly dressed, but towards the end of the game I was getting quite cold. Luckily it didn't start sleeting/raining until we were back at the tailgate, so I was able to get warm again with the help of Mr. Heater.

Food is still tasting pretty bad, but the meds help a bit. I had a few beers yesterday, and several jello shots today, which were very yummy! But tomorrow I go back on the other meds, so no more alcohol for at least 3 months. How sad.

Otherwise, I'm doing okay. I have some numbness in my hands and feet. And of course I'm still tired a lot, but I'm trying to accept that. It's hard at times. I know the next 3 months will be difficult as this set of treatments is supposed to make me even more tired. So I'm trying to really cut down on lots of my activities and just concentrate on getting through this as best as possible.

It looks like we'll be playing BC next weekend, for the second year in a row. Let's hope the outcome will be the same!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! As my friend Angella said on Tuesday, I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I'm very thankful that I have so many family and friends who are supportive. It's been a very trying year, and I don't know what I would do without all of you. I'm thankful for my doctors who work so hard to find a cure for cancer. I'm thankful that This was found early enough so that it could be treated with minimal disruptions. I'm thankful that I haven't had the complications that other people have had.

Best wishes to everyone for a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

More Blahs

Feeling kind of blah today. I think it's just that I'm tired of all of this. I have my doctor's appointment today, so we'll discuss the next round of chemo and what will be expected. I know they will make me more tired, which is something that I just dread. It's so hard to get anything done when I'm tired all the time. So it'll be a long 12 weeks, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I just wish food would taste the same again.

Plastic Surgeon

So today I met with the plastic surgeon to discuss all of my options. There are really two options that I can do. One is to use the fat and muscle from my abdomen area to make my breasts, which just kind of creeps me out. It's like of like a tummy tuck, but not fully. I wouldn't have any of my ab muscles left, and I'm not sure that I'd want that at all. It's a longer surgery, a longer recovery time, and it would be much harder for me to do things.

The other surgery is just using implants, which sounds so much easier and more my speed. Less surgery, less recovery, no damage to my muscles. And if I don't like it, I can always then do the other surgery.

On another note, I'm glad that the first set of chemo treatments is over. I'm still tired all the time, which will happen until I'm done with chemo. But right now, food doesn't taste good - everything has a metallic taste to it. In one way, it's not bad since I'm not eating as much. But in another way, it does suck since nothing tastes good. Hopefully that'll be done by Thanksgiving. I want food to taste normally.

And, hopefully, I'll get off these meds so I can have a drink. I know I can't drink with the next round of chemo, so it would be nice to have a weekend where I can enjoy a few drinks.

Updates

It's been a few weeks since I've updated this. The main reason is that I've been so busy. We've been doing a lot of recruiting at work, so that keeps me busy during the day. I'm still tired a lot, which is one of the side effects, but it's not too bad. And I've been heading to a few football games down at Tech, which had mixed results.

Today is the last of my first set of chemo treatments. My lab work is good - my white blood cells are in the range they should be; same with my platelets. My red blood cells are still a bit low, but not enough to worry about. Tomorrow I'll come back in for my injection. And that will be it for that! I'm very happy that this round is almost done.

Then I'll start on Taxol and Herceptin for 12 weeks. That is supposed to be easier than what I'm on now, so that's positive. I'll still be tired, but I can handle that - heck, I've handled this for 2 months now. So that'll be much easier. And once the Taxol is done, my hair will start growing back!

Then I'll have a few weeks off. I have to have more surgery, which I'll have dates in a few weeks. But I am doing the double mastectomy and also having my ovaries removed. I'm not looking forward to that, but it has to be done. I'll do it right after tax season is over. Hopefully the recovery time will be short! I can't afford to be out of work too long, LOL. Meanwhile, while that is going on, I'll be on the Herceptin every 3 weeks for about 40 weeks. And some drugs, of course.

Overall, I'm doing okay. I still have bad moments (usually at night), but I'm getting through them. I'm learning to accept all of this and I think I'm dealing with it as well as can be expected.

I just came back from a few days at Disney with Debbie. We had a blast! It was exactly what I needed - to go away and forget about all of this for a few days. I wish I could go back again soon, but the next trip will be at the end of June.

Thank you to everyone who has read this, and commented. I'm still behind on my thank you's - they'll get out one day!

Month of Thanks

I'm copying this from others who are doing it. Yes I'm behind, but I'll try and stay current with it going forward. The challenge is to think of something that you're thankful for every day of November. Here goes:

November 1 - I'm thankful that I was able to see my niece perform in her last regular season band competition. They did an excellent job, scored the highest they ever scored, and moved on to the ACC Championships!

November 2- I'm thankful I got to see my nephew play in his flag football game. He only played on the defense (with the exception of one offensive play), but he was able to run the ball in for a touchdown!! The boys on this team are very small, so they have a hard time playing against the bigger boys, but they kept it pretty close.

November 3 - I'm thankful that I got to spend some time with my sister and friend at a concert tonight - real adult entertainment (even though my niece and her bf were there).

November 4 - Clean report from the doctors. My chemo treatments are going very well. What more could I be thankful for?

Feeling Better

I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday I needed to just veg out. I slept for 4 hours during the day, which is something that I don't do. And I got to sleep in a bit. So I had lots of sleep.

At the doctor's now, getting my chemo. My lab work was good. My white blood cells went back up to 11.3, which is above the normal, so the injection is definitely working. And my platelets went up to 292, which is also really good. They took some blood to test my markers to see how everything is working, so hopefully that'll be positive as well.

I got some great gifts in the mail - and I'm so far behind on thank you notes!! Very far behind. So here's a public thank you until I get then sent out! Thank you to all of my friends and family - for being there, for the phone calls and e-mails, for the goodies that you've sent, for all of the prayers. I couldn't have come this far without you. You all mean the world to me!

Ugh

Not feeling so great tonight. I've got a slight fever, plus a bit of a cold. Actually I think it's allergies. My head is pounding from the pressure. Hopefully it'll go away soon.

More Visits

I had my appointment with the oncologist, and they are pleased with my progress so far. I'm halfway done with this round of chemo treatments, and things still look pretty good.

I had my labwork done, and my white blood cells decreased, but not as much as last time. They went down to a 4.0, which is low, but it's still within the patient limits, so that's good. My platelets decreased more than last time, down to a 233, but they're also still within the limits. It'll be interesting to see what they jump up to next week before chemo.

I'm still tired a lot, more so this week than the past 3 weeks. But I think I'm coming down with something, so I have to be very careful about that. Luckily it's a quiet weekend and I can get some rest.

And I've gone almost a week with the wig. I'm slowly getting used to it, but I do like coming home and taking it off. It's just more comfortable. Except that I'm losing patches of the hair that was left, so it's itchy all the time. But that'll stop soon, and then it can grow back.

I have an appointment with my surgeon on November 11, so I'll find out more about what the surgeries entail. That'll help me make my guess on what to do.

Chemo, #2

It's been a few days since my second chemo treatment. The only side effect - my hair. It started really falling out on Thursday, so I made an appointment to get my hair cut. While I knew it was going to come out, I guess in some ways I was hoping that I would be exempt from it. And it was difficult. My friend and hairdresser L was awesome - she shaved my hair and styled both of my wigs. And we joked that it would be the only time that I tell her to "cut it all off."

It's still hard getting used to no hair. I miss it. Yes, it's easier in the mornings now - I don't have to do anything to it, but I'd rather have to spend the time washing it and drying it than not having it. Not having my hair makes the cancer seem more real.

Some of the girls saw the wigs this weekend, and they thought they looked fairly real. So that was good. It'll take time to get used to it, but I can do it.

There is a movie on Lifetime tonight - "Living Proof" about the doctor who invented Herceptin. I'm watching it because I owe my life to this doctor - the Herceptin will help stop the cancer in me. And one day we won't have this type of cancer.

The Hair Cut

Yesterday was the big day – my hair started falling out and it was time to get it all cut off. This was so hard to do. I knew I had to do it. But watching all that hair float down was very sad. Liz saved me some of it – I’ll put it in my scrapbook. It’s just another reminder that this is all real. First my hair, then my breasts.

The Visit

On the positive side - my blood is looking good. Really good. My white blood cells went from a 3.6 on up to a 11.7. That just made me so happy to see that. I know next week they'll be lower again, but I know that the injection works. My red blood cells went from a 3.78 to a 3.82. That's still below the patient limits, and I'm a slight anemic, but that's normal with what is going on. My hemoglobin went from 11.9 to 11.7 but I'm still within the limits. No worries there. And my platelets went from 252 to 295, so they're still increasing. Overall, a great report. I still really don't have any side effects, so that's good. People tell me that they don't believe I "am sick because I look so good" so that's positive. Overall my oncologist is very pleased with my treatment.

On the so-so side - I think my hair is starting to slowly fall out. I'm noticing a bit more come out when I wash it and comb it. I picked up my second wig today, so as soon as it starts getting more noticeable, I'll do the deed. And I'll (maybe) post pictures of me bald, but definitely with the wigs - they're two very different ones!

On the have-to-do-some-thinking side - I did get tested for the breast cancer gene. And got the results. They are positive for the BRCA2 gene, which means that I carry it. What does that mean? I have an 84% risk of breast cancer (yeah, got that one) and a 27% risk of ovarian cancer. I also have a a 12% risk of a second breast cancer within five years. So I have some things to think about. My oncologist recommends a double mastectomy, and I'm seriously considering that. He also wants me to consider having my ovarys removed at some point. They're going to be shot anyway with the chemo. So I'm going to schedule an appointment with my surgeon to talk about doing the surgery and seeing what that entails. If I do this, then I need to figure when I can do it - it it's something that can be done right after the chemo, then I won't need radiation - why radiate something that won't be there! So that's another option. At least I can pick what I want my breasts to look like!

The Big Read

Thanks to C's blog for this.

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed.
The Rules:
1) Look at the list and put one * by those you have read.
2) Put a % by those you intend to read.
3) Put two ** by the books you LOVE.
4) Put # by the books you HATE.
5) Post.

#1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
*2 The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
#3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë
**4 Harry Potter series - J.K. Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
#7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë
*8 1984 - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
*10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
*11 Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
*14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier
#16 The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
**21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
*22 The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
%24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adam
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
*28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
*29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
*30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
%31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
*32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
%33 Chronicles of Narnia- C.S. Lewis
#34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
*36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis de Bernières
#39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
*40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne
*41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
*42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
*46 Anne of Green Gables - L.M. Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
*49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
%50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
#54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
*57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
*58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
*61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
*64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
%65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
%66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
*68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
%70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
%71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
*73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Émile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - A.S. Byatt
**81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
**87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White
*88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
*92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery - read in both English and French
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
%97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
*98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
*899 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

I also have a lot of reading to do!

More Updates

I haven’t written in almost a month, so it’s time for some updates.

Cancer - September 15 was the next surgery date. That was when they were going to put the medi-port in. But they couldn’t get that in. It was getting kinked up in my veins. So it meant another procedure, this time by the radiologist. That was scheduled for September 29. And it was done, painfully, as I wasn’t put to sleep with that one. Instead, I was given a lot of drugs that helped. And it was a bit painful. But it needed to be done since I was starting chemo on Thursday. L was with me for both of these. The chemo wasn’t near as bad as I thought. I was hooked up to 3 different anti-nausea medicines, and 2 types of drugs, that lasted for about 3 hours. And it knocked me out. I was so exhausted afterwards. I have a bunch of drugs that I need to take now for it, and so far they are helping me. The only side effect I’m really having is the exhaustion. Total exhaustion. All I want to do is sleep. So we’ll see how tomorrow will be.

Football – Well, we went to Nebraska two weeks ago. But before I left, I got two e-mails – one from Football Boy and one from K. Both of them expressing their who-knows-what about me. And honestly, both of them pissed me off. They haven’t spoken to me in a year – why should I care what they say/think now? And why would they think I would just forget their treatment of me for the past year? I’m not sure what I should do about them right now, but I can’t deal with it at the moment. I do miss hanging out with Football Boy, though. But I don’t think things will ever be the same again.

Life – Now I need to get my life back. I have to find a way to get past this exhaustion and get things done again. I need to get back into working out, and eating better, and taking care of my things. So hopefully I can start getting back on track.

Latest Update

Here's my latest update. I went to see my surgeon today, and yippee, he took out the drains! I really didn't think he would do so since they were draining more than they had been over the past few days. But they really weren't draining too much, and I never got the amounts that they thought I might get. So that was great news. And I can finally take a shower again without worrying about pulling them out or getting them infected. We went over the pathology results, and they got all of the cancer from my breast, so I won't lose it. Another plus! They took out 7 lymph nodes, and 2 of them were cancerous. So that makes 1/3 of my lymph nodes that have cancer in them (they took 2 out with the first surgery, and one was cancerous). So my oncologist will get those reports and will decide on the type of chemo treatments I'll need.

We talked about the fact that I am HER+, which means that there is a greater chance that the cancer can come back. But, and this is important, there is a treatment that I will do that will make the chances of the cancer coming back less. So he said not to worry about that. Since I'll be on that treatment for a year, there is a greater chance that the cancer won'tt come back.

I have an outpatient surgery scheduled for Monday, where my surgeon will put in the port, getting me ready for cancer. Then on next Friday I get the MRI done (I'm not worried about that). I then meet with my oncologist on the 25th to determine my chemo treatment.

So within the next few weeks I have to go shopping for a wig. And I'll probably try and find some scarves that I can wear as well. I need to check into a support group and start going to that as well. So I'm trying to stay as positive as I can because I know I can beat this stupid thing that is totally interfering with my football schedule (which I hate). But there is always next year. I am still trying to deal with losing all of my hair (not just on my head, but also my eyebrows and eyelashes), and that will be difficult. At least I can pencil in eyebrows! And I'm organizing the Lee Denim day at work, and my company will match what we raise! I'm also going to crochet some caps for kids with cancer - they need them more than I do.

I'm glad that I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully it won't be as hard of a trek there.

Remembrance

Today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11. That horrible day when stupid terrorists attacked this wonderful country we call America. The day that the twin towers collapsed and many people were killed. They day that they tried to fly the plane into the Pentagon with the hopes that it, too, would collapse. Little did they know that they flew it into the wrong part of the building, and it didn’t collapse. And the day that strangers came together to prevent another attack. Instead, they were killed in Pennsylvania.

That is the day that Americans bound together as one. I wish we would still do that. We need to unite as one.

Many thoughts and prayers go out to those who sacrificed themselves for our freedom.

God Bless America.

Updates

Surgery – it went well, I think. I’ll know more tomorrow when I get the results back. I am praying that he got it all. I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve got 2 drains attached to me, which is not the most pleasant thing. I’m still sore in my arm and breast. I can only sleep on my back or somewhat on my right side, so that is uncomfortable. And I can’t shower, so I’ve been taking baths and washing my hair in the bathtub. It will be so nice to take a normal shower! I met with my oncologist and we still don’t know the chemo schedule – it’ll depend on what the results show. But we’re looking at 4-6 months of treatment. And I’ll lose my hair, which I’m trying hard not to get depressed about. Then, I’ll do 6 weeks of daily radiation. I tested positive on my FISH test. The FISH test stands for Fluorescence in Situ Hybridization. This shows if there are too many copies of the HER2 gene in the cancels. Because mine was positive, it means I have extra copies of the gene. Because of this, there is a greater chance that the cancer can come back. Because of this, I’ll have to have a treatment of Herceptin after the chemo and radiation are done. This will help stop the cancer from reoccurring – there is a 51% chance that this can happen. I’ll have a year-long treatment of this, but at least it’ll be every 3 weeks.

I don’t know when I’ll be getting the port in. I’m waiting on a call back from the oncologist’s office on that. I thought it would have been put in with this surgery, but it didn’t happen.

Work – I’m behind. I haven’t done much of anything. I need to buckle down and get these things in place. I have to finish the COBRA notices and then work on the tuition reimbursement policy. I’m worried that some of the e-mails I’ve sent haven’t gotten to where they should go. I sent one to two people at work and my Anthem rep and nothing from them.

Football – I don’t think I can go to the game on Saturday. I honestly think it’ll be too much. I hate missing a game. And having to miss 3 in a row kills me. But I just don’t think I can do it. I’ll ask the doctor tomorrow what he thinks. I just think it’ll be too much to drive down there, then spend all day out for the game, and drive back. But it sucks not to see FandJ, and Atlanta Boy. I get the impression that D really doesn’t want me to come down there, so that bothers me as well. I don’t know if it’s a carryover from the crap last year or what.

Friends – I’ve heard from most of them. Except B. Nothing from her. I know her mom is going through things, but I thought I was supposed to be a good friend. I haven’t heard from her in a week. And I even told her my surgery was last week. Still nothing. I’m at the point where I don’t even want to invite her to things anymore. I’m still waiting for her to tell me she went with BandM to the Buffett concert. You know – the one that she wasn’t going to because it was her anniversary. But she went anyway. After she told me she couldn’t go. I hate when she does that. And it happens more often than naught.

Catching Up

So today I took MB to lunch for his birthday (last Saturday). We’ve been doing this for several years now. We went to PotBelly. I felt bad for him – his aunt passed away on his birthday – not a good way to spend a birthday. So we talked a lot of that. Then he felt bad for bringing all of this up with what I have going on. He really is sweet that way. And he told me I looked good – that was the nicest thing he could have said, knowing what I’m thinking about all of this right now.

L and G come tomorrow to be with me during the surgery. That’ll be both good and potentially hard to deal with. But I’ll get over it. It will be good to have the help and support. Tomorrow I meet with my oncologist, and I hope that we can get some schedules in place.

I saw Atlanta Boy this weekend. He’s doing good. Ellen asked me if I regretted us not being together. And I wasn’t sure what I could answer. I miss him in some ways, but not in others. I’m jealous of his girlfriend, but I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want him to have someone or if it’s because I don’t have someone. I do want him to be happy. I guess I’m more worried that if this relationship he’s in becomes more serious that he’ll drop me. And I don’t want that. Heck, I’ve known the guy for 23 years – I don’t want to lose that.

I also saw the other guys this weekend. E and K actually talked to me when I spoke to them first. But nothing from B. Totally juvenile. And stupid.

What can I say about Hokie Football? We sucked. ‘Nuff said.

Still nothing from FM. And trying not to get depressed over it.

The Going Gets Tough

What a day today. Actually, it’s been a rough week or so. I’m starting to feel the depression now, and I need to find a way to get over this.

I had the last of my tests today – did the heart scan, the bone scan, the inside scans. I’m so sick of being poked and prodded. And the sad thing is that it’s not even close to being over. And I just want it to be.

The concert was totally awesome! That’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me in quite some time. But it also was sad. FM wasn’t able to come to the show, and I haven’t even heard anything from him since. Oh, well. I wish we could try and see if something could happen, but it doesn’t look like it. I know I shouldn’t be sad – it was just one night. Except that he seemed to be a lot of fun, and we seemed to connect in a small way.

But then I have to think about is it fair to even try and start something, knowing that I’ll be going through hell for the next six month? Or is it even fair to put this on someone for the long term?

And work today sucked. One of the partners isn’t quite up to par right now. So that’s an issue. And I had to counsel out one of my seniors – again, not up to par. Horrible, horrible. My boss was also feeling it, especially since he has to deal with the partner.

So tomorrow I head down to Blacksburg, then to Charlotte. It’ll be good to see the H’s and the B’s. I don’t know if the rest of the football crew will be there – and I don’t really care. The other gang will be there, and we’ll have fun. I’m looking forward to football. Atlanta Boy is meeting me there as well, which will be nice.

Updates

It's been a while since I've written. Lots of things going on.

First of all - the Olympics. It's all I've been dong for the past week. And it's so amazing to see history being made with Michael Phelps winning 8 gold medals. 8! He got golds in every single one of his races. What a feat! He broke 7 Olympic records. He's just awesome.

Cancer - well, now I have to have chemo and radiation. I was hoping that I would bypass chemo, but that isn't going to happen. That'll start next month. I'm not happy about it, but I have to do it. Of course, I hate that I'll most likely lose my hair. I had my MUGA Scan done the other day and that was fine - my heart is strong. I go in next week for my PET scan, where they'll see if the cancer is anywhere else.

Springsteen - yeah, the concert is on Monday. And FM is going to meet me there, yippee! I'm very excited about that. My college roommate is also meeting me there. And of course MB#1 will be there. We'll have a great time. I don't know if FM is going to come back up here afterwards - he has a client in DC to check in on. Or he might have postponed that. We'll see. I'm just looking forward to seeing him again.

So B sent an e-mail out to the football group, asking for people to give him 5 songs. I guess he's going to make a CD or something. I replied back to him asking if he wanted the actual songs or just the names - we'll see if he responds. I kind of doubt it. I think he just used the names from J's e-mail. Or maybe he'll surprise me.

Okay - time for bed. Crop tomorrow, so I have to be up early to get ready for it.

The Vacation's Over

It’s Saturday night and I’m watching the Olympics. I have to leave tomorrow. It’ll be nice to be back home and try and get my life back together. But it’s been nice being with the family. I got to see Grandma (but I should have spent more time with her), Joyce & Roy, Norm, Marlene & Justice, Tom & Janice, Lorina & Duane, Beth, and Andy, Katie and Brielle. As usual, nothing from Dan & Pat’s family. And unfortunately Brad & Donna weren’t able to make it up. Bonnie and I kept busy. On Monday, we did some grocery shopping, had lunch at Byerly’s and dinner at Davinni’s. Tuesday we spent the afternoon at the Minneapolis Zoo and had dinner with Tom & Janice at Chianti Grill. On Wednesday, we drove around Lake Harriet and Lake Como. Then we went to Enjoy! For dinner. Thursday, we went to the cabin and met up with Joyce. We just goofed off here – ate lots, watched the Olympics, rested, talked. It’s always nice being here with no pressure to do anything. I actually did a soft-cover Storybook of Showcase and worked on my football album. So I feel like I got some things done.

This is bizarre. The CEO of Bachman’s Flowers was killed in Beijing during the Olympics. His wife is seriously injured. His daughter was safe, and they haven’t said anything about the tour guide. The man who stabbed them – he then committed suicide. The daughter is one of the volleyball players, and her husband is the head coach of the men’s volleyball team, who pulled out of the Olympics. What a tragedy.

So I go back home tomorrow. I have a lot of things to do – some work, lots of e-mails, going through my mail and paying bills, getting my packages from E, unpack and do laundry, and get ready for work. I meet with my oncologist on Wednesday and find out the next steps in my treatment. And my second surgery is scheduled for September 4. Both of my sisters will be there, so hopefully we won’t get on each other’s nerves too much. I just want to get through this and get my life back in order.

And no word from my Full Monty dude yet on if he’s going to the Springsteen show with me. But I have to assume he’s not. And it sucks. I don’t even get a chance to see how we’d get along. Oh, well. It’s his loss. So I’ll check with MB#1 to see if he’s coming with me.

Showcase 2009

So I’m here at Showcase. And it’s a big downer in some ways. Marketplace was horrible. We got in the room about 8:00 a.m. and they were already out of the cash-n-carry items, of which there were only a few things. And the check-out lines were ridiculous. The leaders were allowed to go in at 7:00 a.m. and they pretty much cleaned it out. And by 2:00 p.m. there were a lot of things online that were gone as well. So they didn’t do a good job with having enough products for people to buy. And we didn’t get shirts there – we had to order them and they are being sent out within 4 weeks. What’s up with that?

And I’m getting sick of the leaders sticking their heads in the sand in terms of traditional scrapbooking. They keep saying that digital and framing is the future. And that’s where we should focus. Well, that’s fine if you have a digital and/or framing customer base. Which I don’t. I have lots of customers who use Macs, so they can’t do digital. So how can I sell digital to them if it’s not available? Their solution? Get new customers. Um, hello – not quite as easy as it sounds. Where are these new customers?

While I don’t like the direction CM seems to be heading, I don’t want to give up. I want to see them/us succeed. But there is a lot that needs to be done. It’s been slipping since Asha took over, and I’m not seeing real solutions out there, only band-aids. I was hoping to see some positive changes, especially with the economy, but I don’t know if that’ll happen. The consultant count is way down – only about 47,000. They’ve gotten rid of recognition and have told leaders to economize their profit. But us lowly consultants – we get nothing, which gets us more discouraged. It’s up to our unit leaders to recognize us in their own way. Well, that means nada, since mine hasn’t done anything for me. I don’t even know our team’s stats because she won’t post them. I need to find a new unit to hang with and get the momentum back. And they're missing the boat by not offering workshop/retreat support. We need the residual business to keep us going. And we get that by workshops and retreats. But CM doesn't feel that counts as anything, and they belittle that. That's where almost all of my business comes from. And so many other people. So come on - give us a little support/training/help in that area. They would be amazed at the profits we could get.

Enough negativity. Tomorrow will be a better day and I’ll be out of this funk.

Recovery

I’m back home. And I feel so much better. Thursday was very hard. We got to the hospital at 8:00 and got signed in. They called me back pretty quickly. I got the robe on and they started me on the IV. Ouch! Very painful. It was one of the hand ones, which I don’t like. Then they took me in for the needle biopsy. They had me in the same machine that the stereotactic biopsy but it wasn’t as painful. They had to inject some blue dye and a wire so that Dr. Moynihan could see what he was doing. Then they took me back to my waiting space. L was in there with me as well. Around 10:00, they took me in for the nuclear insertion part. Oh man, that was painful. They had to prick me 4 times in the nipple area, and that hurt, hurt, hurt.

Then it was back to my little area. The surgery wasn’t scheduled until 1:45, so we had several hours. I slept a lot of that time, answered a lot of questions, slept more. But the best news – Dr. M. came in and told me that the results of my right side were benign! So that’s one thing I didn’t have to worry about.

They came in and got me ready for surgery – gave me the pain medicine and the stuff to knock me out. And I didn’t remember anything. Nothing at all. I woke up, and was just in some pain. But I didn’t get sick, which was good. We had to wait for Dr. M. to come back and give us the update before we could be released. So he came to talk to us, and that was also good news. The lymph node was clear!! The cancer didn’t spread. So I’m extremely grateful about that as well.

Thursday night was pretty rough. They gave me Vicodin for the pain, and I have to keep taking that until I don’t have any more pain. I don’t need to be brave about this. I’m keeping ice on the left side, and that helps as well. I’ve been resting, parked on the couch. It’s starting to drive me crazy, since I’m not good at sitting on my butt. But I have to do it.

And my friends are wonderful. L sent me some earrings with the breast cancer ribbon on it, some socks, and the magnet. C sent me the Chicken Soup book and a necklace. Work sent me a build-a-bear, dressed in hospital gear (it’s sooo cute). The football crew sent me some yellow and white flowers in a smiley cup. C and A sent me some beautiful flowers, and so did JP. LW sent me a few cards. But nothing from B. Not even a phone call. And that hurts, especially since her mom went through this. But that’s just how she is.

It’s still a pretty scary thing to think about. I changed the gauze today, and the scar isn’t pretty. My breast is flattened in, which I just didn’t expect. And I should have. I can’t tell what the lymph node scar is yet – I haven’t really looked at that yet. And I don’t know what my breast will turn out to look like once the sutures are out.

Stuff

So I had my second biopsy and MRI today. K came with me, which was nice. But man, this one hurt like the dickens! I just want this over with.

I had lunch with MB#1 today. And it was nice. I haven’t seen him since November, so it was good to catch up in person. He said he’ll stop by sometime to give me the CDs from the Bruce show. I’ve only been trying to get them for 6 months now! So we’ll see if he does that. I gave him the update on me. I know he feels bad for me.

And Atlanta Boy called me today. I had called him yesterday – I wanted to give him an update on what is going on. I was surprised that he called me back – he doesn’t always do that. Especially since he’s still dating his girlfriend. If he wasn’t dating her, it wouldn’t have been a surprise. He’s not sure where that is headed. They’ve been together for quite some time now – almost a year, if not at a year. And that’s good for him. I’m happy for him.

Still nothing from FB. I don’t know how long he was going to be out of town. I’m very bummed about that. Stupid boy!

Another Scare

So on Wednesday I get a call from the surgeon’s office wanting to talk to me about my MRI that is scheduled for Friday. Friday? No, I had it on Tuesday. Nope, I have another one scheduled for Friday. Okay, but two things. One – I’m not here on Friday, I’ll be in PA for CPR, and Two – what second MRI? Well, apparently they saw something on my first MRI but this time in my right breast. So they want to check it out. Do I have to be worried about this? No, they don’t think so but they want to be sure. Oh, and Dr. M. will call you later today to talk to you about this. Fine. So Dr. M. calls me and mentions a biopsy. Hello?? What biopsy? Well, apparently they are going to look at this “thing” on my right breast and if it is an actual “something” then they will biopsy it then. So that way if it is something that I need to worry about, they can deal with it on Thursday for the lumpectomy. He said it was only 1/3 of an inch and he didn’t seem to be too worried about it. But crap, crap, crap. So now I have to deal with all of that this week. I was okay knowing it was just the one side and easier treatable. Now I have to worry about both sides.

Relaxation

This was a much needed weekend! Very relaxing. On Thursday I had to go to the hospital in the morning for the pre-op appointment, and get some blood drawn and get my chest x-ray. They put a big note in my file that says that I am scared of needles (and IV's). But I made it through that part. Then it was time to go pack up for the weekend. I met up with ES and TS in Leesburg - we were doing a late lunch with CW and GA and her kids at Sweetwater. Then TS and I headed to Penn State to spend the night with MP. And that was fun - just seeing her and catching up. I hadn't seen her since the DC retreat! We originally had plans to hit the town but decided to stay in and just gab. Friday we got up, headed over to St. Joseph's Institute and set up for the retreat. This place is gorgeous - I'll have to post pictures later. Then her oldest child was having an art show at camp, so we went there. It was really cute. We decided to hang out at Penn State and eat at The Hub (their campus gathering place) and made a quick trip to the bookstore. We finally got here about 3:00 and started settling in for the weekend. We had 16 people for the weekend, with 3 drop-ins. We have our own lodge for sleeping - and the rooms are adorable! Me and Skisugar are sharing a room. They are twin beds, and I have a trundle under it. The lodges are log cabins and you just want to stay there forever. Friday night we ordered from Brother's Pizza - they have yummy cheese sticks! Saturday and Sunday the meals are included. On Saturday, PGB and I tried the resistance pool - wow, what a workout (I'm a bit sore from that today). It felt so wonderful. We treated ourselves to the Jacuzzi afterwards.

As usual I've been the last person working and the first one up. But I don't feel like I'm getting a lot done. I have most of A's album down, and my little one done. But I haven't done much on my football album as I anted, and I haven't even started Disney. I won't work on Disney today, but hopefully I can get all of football done, less the titles, before heading home today.

I Hate Waiting

Now I'm playing the waiting game again. We have a tentative date for the surgery, but I have to have some pre-op work done first at the hospital. And that's what we're waiting on. I can't do anything until I know those dates as well. Ugh. We were hoping to have all of this done yesterday morning, but now I'll have to wait until Monday.

My sister in CA wants to come out for the surgery. I have to figure out how to let her know that she doesn't need to do so. But if she does, it can only be for a short time. I just can't deal with all of that right now.

I talked to MB#1 yesterday and let him know what's going on. He was extremely supportive of me. He definitely made me feel a bit better about a lot of things.

I don't get to see FM this weekend - he's in Blacksburg visiting a friend who just got back from Afghanistan. So I won't get to see him until sometme in August. Kind of a bummer. But at least I can get this stuff out of the way. He's supposed to send me pictures of the fraternity house in remodeling mode.

Time to go clean my house.

It's Definitely Cancer

So I saw the surgeon on Tuesday, and it's definitely cancer. Crap. But, the good part about it - they caught it early. Thankfully the cancer cells haven't developed into a mass, so I only have to get a lumpectomy. Only. They will also do a lymph node biopsy, and I'm praying that there are no cancer cells there. If so, then it's a rougher course of treatment. But if not, then it should be easier. I'll need 6 weeks of radiation, every day, Monday - Friday. But I can do that, and I can beat it.

Of course, I need to have a breast MRI (which will cost me about $500), plus some blood work and a chest x-ray. Then I have to have two small procedures done before the surgery, which is hopefully scheduled for 2 weeks from today. But I'll have time to recover before everything starts up again.

So for a horrible thing, it's the best of it.

The Full Monty

Well, almost... Isn't this just way too cute??

Is He Stupid??

I'm checking my e-mail this morning, and MB#3 sent me that e-mail again! What is up with that? I quickly deleted it, and then deleted my trash. If I didn't answer it the first time, and didn't answer it the second time, and told him I wasn't going to read it, why would I answer it the third time? Honestly - does he really think that I would be so excited to read this e-mail and want to jump into a relationship with him? Not just with him, but with someone who is so ready to throw away their vows with someone else. Nope, not going to happen. Never going to happen. Read between the lines, dude.

And like this is just what I need right now. Ugh.

Pondering

So I've had a little over 24 hours to think about things. And it's still as scary. Especially when I've done some research and found out that the majority of women who have breast cancer have to have surgery. And I'm so not looking forward to that. I've never had surgery. I don't want to have surgery. But I have to realize that I probably will have surgery. Me, the person who is terrified of needles, will most likely have to have surgery.

There are 5 stages of cancer:
Stage 0 (called carcinoma in situ)
Lobular carcinoma in situ (LCIS) refers to abnormal cells lining a gland in the breast. This is a risk factor for the future development of cancer, but this is not felt to represent a cancer itself.

Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) refers to abnormal cells lining a duct. Women with DCIS have an increased risk of getting invasive breast cancer in that breast. Treatment options are similar to patients with Stage I breast cancers.

Stage I: early stage breast cancer where the tumor is less that 2 cm, and hasn't spread beyond the breast

Stage II: early stage breast cancer in which the tumor is either less than 2 cm across and has spread to the lymph nodes under the arm; or the tumor is between 2 and 5 cm (with or without spread to the lymph nodes under the arm); or the tumor is greater than 5 cm and hasn't spread outside the breast

Stage III: locally advanced breast cancer in which the tumor is greater than 5 cm across and has spread to the lymph nodes under the arm; or the cancer is extensive in the underarm lymph nodes; or the cancer has spread to lymph nodes near the breastbone or to other tissues near the breast

Stage IV: metastatic breast cancer in which the cancer has spread outside the breast to other organs in the body

I'll find out on Tuesday what stage I'm in.

Okay - but what really pisses me off is that I met someone. I don't even know if anything will even come of this. But I can't even think that something could potentially come of this. Not right now. And that's so not fair. He's the first guy that I have even been remotely interested in for quite some time. But it's not fair to him or to me. And that just bites.

Why???

I got the results of my biopsy and they are positive. Crap. Double crap. But I knew it. I knew it when I had to go back in for the second set of mammograms. I knew it when they said I needed the biopsy. And I knew it when they took 15 samples. So now I have to deal with it. I go in on Tuesday for the initial appointment and we'll figure out what my options are.

But man, go pick on someone else. Me and my family have been though enough over the past year. I'm sick of it. Totally sick of feeling like I'm being beaten down and having to struggle to get up again. But I keep doing it because that's what I have to do. But really - leave us alone now.

And I met this guy this weekend, but right now I can't even think that something might happen. I can't worry about that on top of everything else.

Crap.

The Big Wedding

So the big wedding was this past weekend. And it was a lot of fun!! A and C are so low key that there wasn't the big frantic hoopla going on. So on Friday, I drove down to Nags Head and spent the afternoon at the pool. I tried going to the beach, but it was so windy that I was more covered in sand than anything. So instead I went back to the pool and hung out there for many hours. Then I drove around the area, trying to find places for us to go.

When I got back to the hotel, I met up with A's mom, dad, sister (L), aunt, and cousin (G). And then E finally showed up. E is A's best friend, and she was the maid of honor.

A found out that her grandfather was probably not going to last the weekend, so they decided to drive 4 hours to see him. So they left and E and I would take care of the wedding stuff that needed to be done. We went out to get some food and beer at Slammin' Sammy's. And it was nice - we got to know each other more and we just connected.

Unfortunately, A's grandfather passed away Friday night. They all came back, so the girls drank in our room then crashed for the night.

On Saturday, I got up early and headed out to the pool. The girls finally made it down there, and we spent several hours getting some sun. Then it was time for lunch at Mulligan's before getting our nails done - what a great treat from A. When we were done with that, we ran a few errands (Wal-Mart, Cold Stone, Brew Thru) before heading back to the hotel to get ready to head to the rehearsal dinner.

The dinner was held at the beach house the W's were renting. The families were there, the bridal party, and a few of the fraternity friends. Food, lots of drinks, funny conversations. Great evening. Then we took A out to Mulligan's to meet up with some of her friends. But the one thing about Nags Head - it's not a place to bar hop. Not much was opened, or stayed open past midnight. So we headed back to the hotel to get some sleep.

Sunday was the big day. Again, I started the day at the pool for a few hours. The girls had hair appointments, so we did those while A got her hair done. We all put our hair up since we'd be at the beach. Then we had to calm A down - she was worried about the chance of rain. So we made the arrangements in case it rained and everything was fine. At 5, we started getting dressed and we were downstairs at the lobby by 6 to wait for the limo - which was 8 minutes late because the guys were 8 minutes late.

So we make our way to the beach - and it was absolutely beautiful. We all had tears - A was one of the most beautiful brides I've ever seen. It was a quick ceremony - maybe 15 minutes, then we took a bunch of pictures. As we were getting some done, we saw some dolphins in the water - very cool! Then it was time for the reception.

The reception was held at Mallard's Marsh, and it was a beautiful spot. E and I got A's bustle ready and off we went. They had their first dance ("Unchained Melody"), we ate dinner, drank lots of beer and sangria, did the best man/maid of honor toasts, garter and bouquet tosses, and the father/daughter and mother/son dance. And more dancing and drinking. The reception went until 10:30, and the bride and groom walked off amongst bubbles.

We all made our way back to the hotel, and I persuaded the hotel manager to open up the pool for us. So a bunch of us went on in. And it was heaven. Yes, the water was cold, but we didn't care. FM spent most of his time in the VIPool (as he called it - it was the baby pool). J, N and his girlfriend stayed in the jacuzzi. The rest of us went back and forth between the big pool and the jacuzzi, except I went to all three. Slowly people started leaving until it was just J&J (who were fighting, so they stayed in the VIPool area), JE, E, FM and me. So after awhile, we decided to head back to our room for more beer and cards.

After changing, we started playing hearts, but quickly moved onto Asshole. With lots of beer. Lots and lots of beer. We were getting very silly and drunk. After Asshole, we played Electricity. That was the mistake! At some point, FM ended up taking off his shorts, so he was covered up in two towels. We're still not sure why he did that. JE threw a bowl of candy doves onto FM, so those were everywhere! But it was hysterical. We kept trying to get FM to move so he'd lose the towels.

Finally around 5:00 a.m. we decided it was time to go to bed. JE and E decided to stay up and watch the sunrise, so they went out on the balcony. FM and I went to my room and got into bed. And started fooling around. And it was a lot of fun. He kept telling me how he was waiting for this to happen and he knew that we'd end up together. We spent a lot of time talking the night before, and there was a lot of flirting in the pool. He knew he was drunk, so I don't know how much of what he was saying was just speak and not truth. But it's okay - we just had fun together, and got to snuggle together. He did mention getting together again, so we'll see if that even happens.

A few hours later, A's mom was knocking on the door. I had to find my clothes and let her in the room. Let me tell you - trying to get up afer drinking major amounts of beer and only getting about 3 hours of sleep is tough! But I was able to crawl back into bed until she came to the door again. This time I had to wake FM up since he shouldn't be sleeping if I wasn't able to. He kept telling me to just stay in bed with him - we had plenty of time. Well, we would have except that we knocked over my suitcase and my clothes were all over the place and I had to repack everything (and we trashed the hotel room). Then both A and C came in and were laughing at both JE and FM (and us) for the state of the room. But we finally got everyone up, packed, and check out of the hotel so we could go eat.

We went to a pancake place and stayed there for over an hour - I think we were all a bit too hungover to really focus on the day. But soon it was time to end the weekend and drive home.

I'm hoping that I'll hear from FM - I have to send him some of the pictures, so I'll do that and see what happens from there. I wouldn't mind going out on a date with him.

Men! Harrumph!

Last night I get an IM from MB#3. We haven't spoken in quite some time. He has sent me an e-mail back in April, and frankly, it pissed me off. The jist of it was how he was going to ask his wife for a divorce because of the feelings he had for me. And I didn't appreciate it. I didn't need to know any of that because we're not an item. He's married, I'm not into him that way, and by the way - he's married. I'm not going to be a homewrecker. If I was going to be a homewrecker, it would be with MB#1. But the fact that he sent me that e-mail was just not right. So I just ignored it and never wrote back to him.

So last night he sends me an IM and wanted to know if I was still talking to him after his e-mail. I played dumb and said I never got one. At first he said that was good, but then he decided he was going to send it to me again. I told him maybe he shouldn't send it if he was that concerned over it. He said it was too late. So when I got the e-mail, I deleted it and wrote him back and said I didn't read it.

So now I'm even more mad. He had no right to send it again and try and stir up something. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. He has completely ruined whatever friendship we had. And for what? If he is unhappy in his marriage, that's his doing, not mine. I never promised him anything. I never said there would be anything between us.

Time to block him from my e-mail.

Maine

Well, I came back in one piece. The trip definitely went better than I thought it would. And yes, while G did annoy me at times, it really wasn't that bad. But she does make me feel guilty at times, and I don't really like that. She also has a way of making you feel that money is the ultimate end-all with her. And I don't like that as well either. But I have to let that go. That's just her. But she's a wonderful sister and I love her dearly. So I have to accept the things that I don't always agree with about her. And I can do that.

Now I have to figure out what's going to make me happy and get there. I wish MB#1 could be a part of it. But he can't. Time to move forward there.

Dad's Autobiography

In 1988, Dad wrote up his autobiography. I've read it many times, and over the past year have pulled it out to keep it close. I read through sections of it all the time. In one section, he talks about his mid-life crisis.He said that he came to realize that many of the things he had anticipated would never come to pass - he would not be fabulously wealthy, he would not leave a mark on the world in any way, andhe would not be a world-famous chemist.

And I cry when I read those words. Every single time.

My father might not have been fabulously wealthy in terms of cold, hard cash, but he was so wealthy in what he had to give to us. He gave me love, affection, tenderness, caring. He never judged me, ever. He supported me in every way

Maybe he didn't leave a mark on the world the way he wanted to, but he left a mark with me. There were so many things I did because Dad did them that way. He never pressured me to think in a certain way, but many times I did because I wanted to be like him. He taught me so many things.

And maybe he wasn't a world-famous chemist, but he was famous to me. He had various publications and patents. How wonderful was that!!

So Dad, you did accomplish what you sent out to do. Maybe not in the way you wanted to, but you did it. And I love you for it.

And I miss you so much, every day.

happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day - a day I really hate. And I can't say why. I am grateful for my stepmom - she is wonderful, but it's still a very difficult day for me. I wish I could tell my mom happy mother's day, but alas, that is not an option I really have.

Phone Calls

So MB#1 gets back from his trip and is on his way up to pick up his daughter. We had been TM-ing earlier in the day, then all of a sudden I didn't hear from him. Apparently his phone died. So he came back home, charged it for a few minutes and called me. He said he might call back on his way home.

I need to stop this. It's too hard to deal with these emotions.

Have you or haven't you?

Got this from H from her blog.

Which of these have you done?

Gone on a blind date? Once - it was the worst date I've ever had.
Skipped school? Many times.
Watched someone die? Unfortunately yes - my father
Been to Canada? Not yet
Been to Mexico? Many times!
Been to Florida? Every year!
Ever stood on a state line? Yup - especially at 4 corners (AZ, NM, UT, CO)
Been on a plane? Lots of them!
Been in a car accident? Unfortunately yes
Been on a Helicopter? No but I'd love to
Been lost? Lots of times.
Been on the opposite side of the country? Yep, especially since I was born on one coast and now live on the other coast.
Gone to Washington, DC? Yes, live right by there.
Swam in the ocean? Love the ocean!
Cried yourself to sleep? Unfortunately many times.
Played cops and robbers? When I was younger.
Recently colored with crayons? Does colored pencils count?
Sang Karaoke? Poorly, but yes.
Paid for a meal with coins only? Nope
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Drink? Yup, especially last night :(
Made prank phone calls? Back in high school…
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out your nose? Yup!
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? I love doing this.
Danced in the rain? That's always fun to do!
Written a letter to Santa Claus? Yeah but I don’t remember if he answered it.
Been kissed under the mistletoe? Yup - especially once by a guy I had a huge crush on - he was my BF for so many years and we did everything but...
Watched the sunrise with someone you care about? I miss this…
Blown bubbles?
Gone ice-skating?
Gone to the movies? Just yesterday with my axe-murdering friends!

Why does he have to be married?

Married boyfriend is in Vegas for the weekend for a bachelor party. He kept askiing me to come meet him there, but that wasn't going to work. I sent him a text last night asking how his trip was and that just started a whole slew of texts and phone calls. He was pretty trashed during the first call. They lost the groom-to-be, but did end up finding him. He kept telling me to get on a plane out there. I finally told him that if he gave me his credit card # I'd book a flight. But it was all fun and games. The TMs were getting pretty racy.

He was asking why wasn't I dating anyone and I told him that there was someone I was interested in but he wasn't available. Before it sunk in that the someone was him, he made a comment that the guy was an idiot. Then when he realized who I was talking about, he agreed with his comment that he was an idiot for not being with me. Stupid timing! That's always been our downfall. He and I have so much fun together, and we can talk about everything. But until something changes with his relationship, all we can have is friendship.

Kind of sucks!

Suspension

Just got a call from my sister - she's on the way up to the school to meet with the principal at my niece's school. Apparently my niece is getting suspended for 2 days for an "altercation" from the band trip this past weekend.

Last school year she was dating this loser - A. And when I say loser, I really mean it (I love my niece but she has horrible taste in boys). He dumped her because of all sorts of reasons that were completely her fault, according to him. He wasn't allowed to do anything and could barely see her since his mom is a bit freaky, but even that was her fault. And stupid boy - he did this when they were on the band trip to Busch Gardens. And this was a week before prom, and he knew she had gone out shopping for a prom dress. Great place to do this, right?? Anyway, she was coping, but then he would text her and imply that if she made all these changes, then he would take her back. She finally realized that he wasn't good for her and asked him to stop talking to her. My sister even talked to his mom and asked that A not talk to my niece anymore.

At the beginning of the school year, she started dating M (another total psycho). I don't think A was too thrilled with that and he started texting her again. And he started spreading lies about her, that was causing all sorts of problems with their mutual friends. Again my sister stepped in and he finally stopped.

Well, they were in Boston for this band trip and apparently he kept goading her until she finally pushed him up against a wall. Someone had to pull her off of him. The band teacher wasn't in school yesterday, so the principal didn't find out about it until today. They were going to make it a 5-day suspension but because of her behavior and grades, dropped it to a 2-day suspension. If it was a 5-day suspension, she would have to miss prom, so thankfully she can go this time and A hopefully won't ruin it for her again.

And A - well, he got nothing. No detention or anything.

So my sister is pissed off, and she and her DH are heading to the school. I told my sister to find out why she was not told until today that something happened. The chaperone should have called her as soon as this happened (it was either Friday or Saturday). Not wait until today. And that A needs to be punished as well, since he did start it. My niece has been going out of her way not to have any contact with A, and she wouldn't be so violent with anyone unless extremely provoked. She goes to counseling on a weekly basis to deal with her issues with A (and M), so it's not like she's not trying to get away from this mess.

My sister looked into having a restraining order put against A, but since he's not 18, they can't do that. They can send a letter to the sheriff, school and his family that states that if he comes near my niece, my sister will call the police. But my sister if afraid if they do that, then A will sue my niece for this stupid altercation.

I think my sister is going to pull my niece out of band for the rest of the year. There are too many issues that the band director won't deal with. And he won't talk to my sister - he will only deal with men (how archaic is that!).

I asked my sister to see if they can do an in-school suspension instead - maybe that won't get put on her record. So she's going to check into that as well.

At least they won't report this to the colleges.

Disney Vacation Club

So I think I'm going to do this, if I can swing it financially. It really does seem like it's worth it, especially with of the trips that I do there. We'll see what happens when I get more information on it.

And we're trying to plan our cruise for next year - should be fun!

Motivation

I'm lacking motivation this week. Last week I was doing pretty good - dropped 3 pounds (from barely eating). Started off doing a lot of exercise - both cardio and strength training. And I saw myself gaining weight again. And of course the first thing my mind thinks is "work out, gain weight." So what does that make me do? Want to eat more junk. And I don't want to do that. I was hoping that losing those 3 pounds, combined with more exercise would be the jumpstart that I needed, but apparently it's not.

Of course, if it would quit raining so I could get outside, I might feel different about this. I was so looking forward to bike riding yesterday, and the rain ruined that. I couldn't even go for a run when I got back into town since it was pouring! Ugh!

1 Year Ago

A year ago was one of the worst days of my life, and it kept getting worse. A year ago was the worst school shooting in US history, and it took place at my college. It was weird to see Virginia Tech all over the news for something like this. And as the day progressed, more people were pronounced as dead. It was a horrible situation and it's one I hope to never see again.

Today was very somber. It was very sad to read about those who were taken from us. Most of them were so young. But on another hand, I was glad that my friends were safe. Selfish, yes, because it could have been anyone of my fraternity brothers sitting in the room. Most of them knew someone who was killed.

But the amazing thing about Tech? How the whole came together as one. Not just the university, but the town as well. For this, it wasn't the townies against the college students. Everyone became a Hokie. And it was unbelievable to see how strong they were/are. I love my Hokies, and I am so proud that I went to that awesome school, but it was made stronger after that day.

So when someone asks me what is a Hokie, I proudly respond, "I am."

We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness.... We will prevail....

-- Nikki Giovanni, University Distinguished Professor, poet, activist

What Color is Your Soul?

Saw this quiz on S's blog - it was pretty interesting:

Blue

Your soul is painted the color blue, which embodies the characteristics of peace, patience, understanding, health, tranquility, protection, spiritual awareness, unity, harmony, calmness, coolness, confidence, dependability, loyalty, idealism, tackiness, and wisdom. Blue is the color of the element Water, and is symbolic of the ocean, sleep, twilight, and the sky.

Happy Monday

Today was interestsing. First of all, I sent an e-mail to MB#3 to see if he got my e-mail from last night. The only reason I did that was he never responded to my last e-mail from quite some time ago. He wrote back: "Yes. I just haven't had time yet to explain myself to you yet." I'm not really sure what that means.

Then, MB#1 and I were writing back and forth today about when we first met and when we first hooked up. It was just fun - he thought we knew each other 1 more year than we had. I don't know what his deal is at times.

But the best part - there might be a chance that I can get backstage passes to see Bruce in either Greensboro or Charlottesville, yippee!! Tony I. (one of the partners) is buds with the guy who owns the Green Turtle. The Green Turtle guy is very good friends with the head of security for guess who - Bruce!!! The Green Turtle guy is going to the two shows in Florida (Orlando and Ft. Lauderdale). And this guy isn't really a Springsteen fan. Man, I wish I could take his place. So Tony called this guy up to see if he could get me backstage passes for either the Greensboro or Charlottesville show. How amazing would that be?? Oh my, I would be in seventh heaven! Fingers are crossed!

Hello Spring

So I'm finally starting to feel better. My allergies have stopped and I've almost stopped coughing. It's only been 3 weeks! But now I have to start working out again. I joined a challenge on Spark People and I know it's going to kick my butt. I also am trying to get 1600 minutes of exercise in this month. And not doing anything the first 5 days didn't help! But I can do it. I really want to lose this weight, especially in time for Ashley's wedding. I need to - the dress will look horrible otherwise.

So I spent most of the day cleaning and getting my new desktop hooked up. It's almost done, except I need to find the drivers for the printer. Once I do that I'm golden. And I have it ready to give to Kristina. So she'll be happy about that.

Now I need to go find some presents for the little man. I can't believe he's going to be 8 in a few days. And I need to get cards for him and Bonnie. I'll add that to my list.

So Friday, MB#1 and I were e-mailing. He can't go to C'ville for the show - he'll still be in Florida for a family wedding. I'm bummed about that. He called me last week as he was driving home. I don't know why he's doing that, but it's messing with me. And he knows it. Oh, well. He's supposed to get me the cd's that he has of the shows, but he never commits to meeting me somewhere. I don't know what's up with that.

And today I get an e-mail from MB#3. I haven't heard from him in quite some time. I replied - we'll see if he answers. It's not like anything will start up again with that. I'm totally over it.

But it would be nice to meet someone nice one of these days. Time to get out there.

Happy Birthday to Me

An interesting day today. People at work were awesome. They decorated my office, which was a lot of fun. The B and I went out to dinner. We were going to head to Ned Devine's but it was crowded, and they were charging a cover and we just didn't want to deal with that. So I was home early.

But what was interesting was the people I heard from, and didn't hear from. I got an e-mail from my friend L in Greensboro. I haven't seen him in a few years (Springsteen show in 2003??). He sent me a picture of his daughter - she's 20 months old. I don't know anything more about that. He hasn't given me her name or anything other information. It was nice to hear from him, though, since we haven't corresponded in a few years (but I did send him a birthday greeting on his day).

Then I got a call from an old friend M. We were great friends for many years, until about 2 years ago when some shit happened at bowling. I've seen him once since then. And it was a bit strained. But he called to wish me a happy birthday and we talked for about 15-20 minutes. And it was nice. I miss his friendship.

I didn't hear from Atlanta boy, which really didn't surprise me. He used to always call me, but lately he makes it a point to not call. And that's fine. I think things are getting pretty serious with his girlfriend, so that means he won't talk to me. And that's his loss.

But I didn't hear from MB#1. He knew I was out of town this morning but was coming back later today. That really surprised me, especially since he was commenting on Friday about my birthday. I wonder if he'll contact me tomorrow at all.

Happy birthday to me.

My Life

I haven't really written in quite some time. I just don't feel like it. Things here are the same. Still busy at work, which I still like. Trying to get my workouts in on an almost daily basis, but sucking up with the food issue. Still very single. Had some flirty moments with MB#1 while the wife was out of town, but we didn't see each other (I was also out of town). And I'm trying to ignore MB#2 - just don't need to go there.

One of these days I'll feel like a human being and get back out there in the real world.

One Year

I haven't felt like writing lately. I've been feeling pretty mopey and tired. But I hope that'll pass soon adn I'll feel like my normal self. I'm heading to MN on Friday - it'll be good to be with family this weekend.

208 in 2008 - aka my Bucket List - Updated

Latest List. Obviously I can't do all of these this year, but I can try and get some done this year

1. Redo my kitchen
2. Finish Missy's baby blanket
3. Read all of JD Robb books
4. See Bruce in MN
5. See Bruce at UVA
6. See Bruce at the Meadowlands
7. Get an annual pass to Disney
8. Girls' weekend
9. See new Indy movie
10. Run in a 5k
11. Spend more time bike riding
12. Finish 2007 football album
13. Upload all cds to iTunes
14. Lynchburg retreat - coming up!
15. MD retreat
16. PA retreat
17. DC retreat
18. Go to Ireland
19. Go to Australia
20. Go to New Zealand
21. Go to Alaska
22. Go to Maine - whale watching
23. Go to Austria
24. Go to Switzerland
25. Take a Pilates class - taken
26. Lose 15 pounds by Ashley's wedding
27. Finish Disney 2007 album
28. Finish Mom & Dad's Alaska book
29. Upload all slides into Memory Manager
30. Make albums of Dad's trips

What a Difference a Year Makes

So it's been almost a year. Since that horrible date (March 1), what's happened?
Shootings at Tech. I still tear up when I think about them or hear anything about them. What a horrible event. And that anniversary is almost here as well
* Grandma's court case - and we lost.
* Big Girl's breakup with Scum #1 - but that was a good thing.
* Rick's death - It still seem surreal to me.
* Big Girl's breakup with Scum #2 - thank goodness. He was worse than the first one.
* Big Girl is driving!
* Football boy won't say a word to me - his loss
* The other two will barely talk to me, if at all; again, that's not a bad thing.
* MB #3 - enough said
* New job - that's a good thing
* MB #1 - I don't even know what to say about that
* Grandma's health issues
* New cabin
* Tech winning ACC Championship, but losing to BC in the rain game and to Kansas in the Orange Bowl
* Shootings at NIU
* Issue at Ferrum College
* But I have great friends


I miss you, Dad.

1000 Minutes in February

Okay - so I didn't go to the gym today. I was going to go this morning, but I had too much to do this morning before getting into work. So I packed up my clothes with the inclination to go after work. But it was so nice outside, and I finally got to see sunlight that I decide to go running outside instead. So I did! I ran/walked for 60 minutes.

February's Goal - 1000
Total Minutes 1/2/08 - 60
Minutes Left - 940

The End of the Month

I'm glad this month is almost over - it's been a long one.

I'm getting torn about what to do regarding football next season. I do enjoy the games. And I love the tailgating. But I'm so sick of the drama that it's making me not want to go all the time anymore. And that's just to avoid the drama. Part of me hopes that the two groups do split - then I won't have the drama. And part of me just wants to go up to E & K and ask them if they've worked things out between them or are they still hanging on to each other just because. And I know the answer - they haven't resolved anything. But yet they still choose not to talk to me because I said the truth. And Football Boy - he's even worse. He wasn't involved in this - it had nothing to do with him. But he chooses to be childish about this and hasn't said more than "hi" to me in 4 months. What's that about.

So apparently they're all getting together this weekend down at Tech. I can't come down. I feel like I was invited as an afterthought. And you know what - it's okay. I really don't want to go down there. I want to be at home and take care of things here. And honestly, I still need some time away from that crap before it starts up again. I do miss seeing D&G and F&J, but I'll see them soon.

I guess I'm growing up.

208 in 2008 - aka my Bucket List

So one of my friends at work makes a list every year of goals to accomplish. Some of them are ones to do that year; some are to do before time passes on. So here's the start of my 208 things. I'll add on to it as I think of things

1. Redo my kitchen
2. Finish Missy's baby blanket
3. Read all of JD Robb books
4. See Bruce in MN
5. See Bruce at UVA
6. See Bruce at the Meadowlands
7. Get an annual pass to Disney
8. Girls' weekend
9. See new Indy movie
10. Run in a 5k
11. Spend more time bike riding
12. Finish 2007 football album
13. Upload all cds to iTunes
14. Lynchburg retreat
15. MD retreat
16. PA retreat
17. DC retreat
18. Go to Ireland
19. Go to Australia
20. Go to New Zealand
21. Go to Alaska
22. Go to Maine - whale watching
23. Go to Austria
24. Go to Switzerland
25. Take a Pilates class
26. Lose 15 pounds by Ashley's wedding

Update

Well, I was able to get everything done on Sunday that I said I would do. Now I need to get myself to the gym! Ugh.

Scrambling on Sunday

I haven't been able to write in quite some time. My internet service was down for a few days, and my wireless even longer. And I've just had no energy to deal with it. But now that it's working, I need to get my butt in gear and start focusing again.

Last weekend we had the Winchester Retreat, and while I was there, I decided I needed some major cleanng to happen at my house. So I drafted out a list for my inventory room, which I was hoping to have done by this weekend. It's almost done. I took everything out of boxes, shelves, drawers, etc. and cleaned and threw out a lot of stuff. I mean a lot! I have so much stuff, and it feels good to get rid of it. But the rest of my house is completely trashed. At this rate, it'll take years to get it all organized. And on top of that, I want to redo my kitchen. So I'm off to Home Depot in a few minutes to look around there and see what kind of things they have that I can work with. I'd like to get more cabinets and a new counter, with more space. So that's the next big project.

But for today:
* Movies and lunch with B
* Bring desk in
* Clean off deak and take apart
* Set up new desk
* Bills
* Laundry

Lots of stuff for today - let's see how much I can get done.

I've Been Tagged

I've been tagged by Veronica

Link to the person that tagged you. √

Post the rules on your blog √

Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog. √

Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. √

Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven Random Facts about me…
1. I love to read. I read almost anything, and many times would rather read than do anything else. I have so many favorite authors and I tried to read all of their books.

2. I don't sleep well. I tend to stay up late, then sleep for a few hours before waking up again. It's annoying at times, but ...

3. I love the beach, even though I don't get there that often. But it's such a relaxing place to be.

4. I love to drive. I'd rather drive than be a passenger in the car.

5. I love listening to live music. Especially Bruce Springsteen. But even local musicians. It's just so energizing.

6. I am a TV junkie! My TV is on 24/7 if I'm in the house. I hate it when its quiet.

7. I love to travel but don't do it enough. That has to change!

TAG YOU ARE IT:

Nancy ,
Patti ,
Diana ,
Chris ,
Erin ,
Gin

It's January

I haven't felt like writing anything lately. I've been in a funk of a mood - just no energy and no motivation to really do anything. I've got the retreat this weekend, and I haven't even finished getting ready for that. So much to do. I need to get to bed since I haven't been sleeping well.

Hopefully the retreat will be what I need to shift this mood.