My Dad

I've been debating whether to put this in here or not, because if it's in writing, then it means it's real. But my dad hasn't been doing well at all over the past year. He and my stepmother were supposed to come out in May, but 2 days before the travel date, he ended up in the hospital. They weren't sure what was wrong, but the doctor basically said no more traveling, and to rest for a few weeks (after a whole bunch of tests were run). They determined that he had a very minor stroke. I went out and saw him in August, and my sister and her family went out the week after I was there. He was doing better, but getting a little forgetful at times. I was chalking that up to his age - he'll be 87 this year. I went out the 2nd weekend in December, and while he looked okay, I could tell that he was tiring a lot more, his memory was fading a bit, and he was taking more naps than he wanted to admit. He has to take it easy - and he needs someone to watch/help him go up and down stairs. He has to do things like when he gets up in the morning, he needs to sit up in bed for a few moments before getting up because he gets unsteady.

I came back on a Sunday, and he was in the hospital that following Thursday - he had fallen down and blacked out for a moment. My SM called the paramedics and they wanted him to go and get admitted. He was there until the Sunday before Christmas. They changed his medication, and arranged for a PT/OT to come to the house several times a week to work with him. He now has to walk using a walker (which he hates), but they thought things were getting better.

Yesterday, he got up in the middle of the night and just collapsed. My SM called the paramedics again and they took him to the hospital. They ran all sorts of tests, and can't figure out what is wrong. They took him off of all of his medication, and are watching all of his levels. He needs help walking and getting into/out of bed. And my SM can't do this by herself. So everyone has brought up the idea of him going into a rehab center until he gains his strength back and can go home. Yesterday he flat out said NO. But today he's realizing that it's the best thing and hes resigned himself to go. So now my SM is checking out different rehab places for him. The one she wants him to go to is only a mile from their house, but it also has a wait list.

His memory isn't getting better. Yesterday when I talked to him, he wanted to make sure I got there okay. I had to tell him that I wasn't heading out there (because he won't let me), but I would get on the next plane if he said so. He said not to. Then today, I called him a bit later than I normally did since I wanted him to sleep. He said that he slept for a short while, but it was time for him to get up since it was 8:00 in the morning (it was 5:30 p.m. his time). And he sounds so drugged out even though he's not taking any medication. One of these times, I'm afraid that he won't remember who I am.

I know that we are supposed to outlive our parents. But it's so hard to see them get old. I wish I could stop this, but I can't. And I hate seeing him like this. I can't even fathom him not being here - he raised me and he's my best friend. But I know that I've only got a few more years of him left with me. I just hope that it is peaceful for him.