Today's been a blah day and I'm not sure why. Lately I've had no energy to do anything. I think it's the after-effects of everything that is going on. I came home on Sunday after a very emotional weekend only to find out that 3 of my friends lost one of their parents over the past few days. 3 of them. That's too much, especially on top of everything that has been going on.
And waiting to find out if I have to go to CA on Monday is frustrating. I can't plan my weekend. I'm supposed to be in Virginia Beach, but I can't go if I have to go to CA. I'll have to work because I can't afford to be out of town for 3 days. Not right before our company meeting. And it's so frustrating - the cousins are fighting over such a small amount, considering how much they will be getting. Ugh!
I can't wait for my vacation. Now if I could only get the energy to go to the gym and lose a few pounds before I go!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Hokie Pride
I'm back from Tech, and what a sombering experience this was. But it made me very proud to be a Hokie. And one person said when asked "what is a Hokie" - the response was "I am." How true that is.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I drove down there. There were some signs up along the way. On an overpass at JMU were maroon and orange ribbons. All of the trees on the Drillfield have either orange or maroon ribbons on them. Most of the posts downtown have ribbons. Everyone was wearing ribbons, showing support.
When I got to the Drillfield, I was amazed at how quiet it was. I've never heard so much silence. There were signs, memory boards, flowers and candles out, in memory. The chapel was open 24/7, with the cadets standing guard. In front of Burress were 33 Hokie stones, and baskets, more flowers and candles. 33 remembrances. I tried to look at all the names. I didn't see the one I was looking for. I think they had to do that - there would have been an outburst if his name was there.
There was police tape all around Norris Hall. I walked all around it and was able to see the windows of the classrooms where this happened. Many people were just staring at the building, which is guarded by 2 police at all times as the investigators handle this. But it was very strange to look at this. I had classes in that building. Many of my friends had classes in that building. I heard stories of people who were in the 3rd floor, or who should have been in one of those classes but overslept or chose not to go to school. And I wondered what they would do to the building.
There is so much more I can say about the weekend. I could talk about the many rememberences that people were leaving behind, the many candles that were lit each night, the flowers that were brought in from Roanoke because Blacksburg and Christiansburg were out of them. I could talk about how many of the local restaurans brought food on Satnrday night as there was a gathering for people to reflect on what happened. On how the stores were selling Hokie shirts like crazy. We waiting in line for quite some time to buy some shirts and no one complained. We waited for over an hour to get our lunch on Saturday and we didn't complain. Because we realized that many of the students weren't there, and these were the people who worked at these places. So we gave respect to the town.
My friend Bill and I talked to the Chief of Tech Police. He was very somber and very polite. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, which he hadn't. He called it he-double hockey sticks. And he thanked us for coming. We gave him our support and said we would stand by them. The police and the authorities did what they could in that situation. And after he left us, he walked away in tears. I know those weren't the first ones he had shed over this.
We heard stories of how people tried to keep doors shut. We heard about Mr. Librescu, who saved the lives of many as he tried to keep the door closed to his classroom. At one of my friend's synagogue, a member wrote this poem. I wish I coud have met him.
My Stand
A Tribute to Liviu Librescu
By Philip C. Selz
In the darkest times we’ve seen, I was sent into the camps
As I smelled the stench of burning flesh, I knew my kin were gone
Survival was my only thought, I knew I must come through
But I didn’t know the reason that my living must go on
And when the war had ended, liberation finally came
And I grew to be a man and shortly after took a wife
And we raised our kids in Israel and we did the best we could
And we lived for those who died and worked to make a useful life
Then a teaching job came to me in America one day
And I thought that building new young minds was destiny for me
So I traveled to Virginia and I made a brand new start
And I taught engineering in this homeland of the free
Now I hear the hallways screaming as shots are fired there
And I hear the terror in the screams and understand their plight
So I bar the door from danger and I tell my students “Run!”
And as the bullets breach the door I know that I must fight
And in these final moments as my life is seeping out
I think back over 60 years and finally understand
My own salvation now makes sense as children flee and live
I was saved that day to save this day, I’ve finally made my stand.
I'm still trying to come to terms with all of this. I know the members of the Tech community will prevail. They don't want to let their 32 friends lives not mean anything. It's going to be a tough road. My friends and I are trying to find ways that we can help. But I'm having a hard time with forgiveness. I know that we should forgive. But how can that be done in this case? Even though he didn't do anything to me personally, he hurt my school, something that means so much to me. When we talk about Hokie Pride, it means something. Spending my college time at Tech taught me about how a community can rally together and be supportive.
I hope that something good will come out of this. If every person can talk to 1 kid and make them realize that we don't have to have this behavior - the way this man was. If we can help stop the ridiculing and the teasing of kids when they are young, maybe they will learn that just because people are different doesn't mean that it is bad. Imagine what it could be like if we could help just one person not feel so lonely in school and resort to thoughts of death. Imagine how that person would feel if someone would sit next to them in class, or ask to eat lunch with them. Can we save lives that way?
As Nikki Giovanni said in her speech
We are the Hokies.
We will prevail.
We will prevail.
We will prevail.
We are Virginia Tech.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I drove down there. There were some signs up along the way. On an overpass at JMU were maroon and orange ribbons. All of the trees on the Drillfield have either orange or maroon ribbons on them. Most of the posts downtown have ribbons. Everyone was wearing ribbons, showing support.
When I got to the Drillfield, I was amazed at how quiet it was. I've never heard so much silence. There were signs, memory boards, flowers and candles out, in memory. The chapel was open 24/7, with the cadets standing guard. In front of Burress were 33 Hokie stones, and baskets, more flowers and candles. 33 remembrances. I tried to look at all the names. I didn't see the one I was looking for. I think they had to do that - there would have been an outburst if his name was there.
There was police tape all around Norris Hall. I walked all around it and was able to see the windows of the classrooms where this happened. Many people were just staring at the building, which is guarded by 2 police at all times as the investigators handle this. But it was very strange to look at this. I had classes in that building. Many of my friends had classes in that building. I heard stories of people who were in the 3rd floor, or who should have been in one of those classes but overslept or chose not to go to school. And I wondered what they would do to the building.
There is so much more I can say about the weekend. I could talk about the many rememberences that people were leaving behind, the many candles that were lit each night, the flowers that were brought in from Roanoke because Blacksburg and Christiansburg were out of them. I could talk about how many of the local restaurans brought food on Satnrday night as there was a gathering for people to reflect on what happened. On how the stores were selling Hokie shirts like crazy. We waiting in line for quite some time to buy some shirts and no one complained. We waited for over an hour to get our lunch on Saturday and we didn't complain. Because we realized that many of the students weren't there, and these were the people who worked at these places. So we gave respect to the town.
My friend Bill and I talked to the Chief of Tech Police. He was very somber and very polite. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, which he hadn't. He called it he-double hockey sticks. And he thanked us for coming. We gave him our support and said we would stand by them. The police and the authorities did what they could in that situation. And after he left us, he walked away in tears. I know those weren't the first ones he had shed over this.
We heard stories of how people tried to keep doors shut. We heard about Mr. Librescu, who saved the lives of many as he tried to keep the door closed to his classroom. At one of my friend's synagogue, a member wrote this poem. I wish I coud have met him.
My Stand
A Tribute to Liviu Librescu
By Philip C. Selz
In the darkest times we’ve seen, I was sent into the camps
As I smelled the stench of burning flesh, I knew my kin were gone
Survival was my only thought, I knew I must come through
But I didn’t know the reason that my living must go on
And when the war had ended, liberation finally came
And I grew to be a man and shortly after took a wife
And we raised our kids in Israel and we did the best we could
And we lived for those who died and worked to make a useful life
Then a teaching job came to me in America one day
And I thought that building new young minds was destiny for me
So I traveled to Virginia and I made a brand new start
And I taught engineering in this homeland of the free
Now I hear the hallways screaming as shots are fired there
And I hear the terror in the screams and understand their plight
So I bar the door from danger and I tell my students “Run!”
And as the bullets breach the door I know that I must fight
And in these final moments as my life is seeping out
I think back over 60 years and finally understand
My own salvation now makes sense as children flee and live
I was saved that day to save this day, I’ve finally made my stand.
I'm still trying to come to terms with all of this. I know the members of the Tech community will prevail. They don't want to let their 32 friends lives not mean anything. It's going to be a tough road. My friends and I are trying to find ways that we can help. But I'm having a hard time with forgiveness. I know that we should forgive. But how can that be done in this case? Even though he didn't do anything to me personally, he hurt my school, something that means so much to me. When we talk about Hokie Pride, it means something. Spending my college time at Tech taught me about how a community can rally together and be supportive.
I hope that something good will come out of this. If every person can talk to 1 kid and make them realize that we don't have to have this behavior - the way this man was. If we can help stop the ridiculing and the teasing of kids when they are young, maybe they will learn that just because people are different doesn't mean that it is bad. Imagine what it could be like if we could help just one person not feel so lonely in school and resort to thoughts of death. Imagine how that person would feel if someone would sit next to them in class, or ask to eat lunch with them. Can we save lives that way?
As Nikki Giovanni said in her speech
We are the Hokies.
We will prevail.
We will prevail.
We will prevail.
We are Virginia Tech.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Coping
I'm still having a hard time with all of this. It's just so surreal. I mean, this is my second home. Something like this doesn't happen in Blacksburg, of all places. But it did. It's been great to see the students bond together and show support. And to have that same support with my friends. Atlanta Boy called me today, and it was nice. He wanted to make sure I was doing okay. I *might* see him this weekend. He's thinking of coming up. I hope he does - it'll be good to see him. And I talked to Football Boy - he's also coming up. We haven't talked since my dad passed away, so it was good to talk to him. I miss our conversations.
I'm thinking of doing an album of all of this. But not sure yet. I'll definitly have a DPS in my 2007 album, and will have something in my World Events album. I need to find a way to memoralize this for me.
I'm thinking of doing an album of all of this. But not sure yet. I'll definitly have a DPS in my 2007 album, and will have something in my World Events album. I need to find a way to memoralize this for me.
Monday, April 16, 2007
The Deadliest Shooting
Oh my gosh - I can't believe what is going on here. Someone went off, for who knows what, and killed 32 people, plus himself, and injured 20-30 more. What a tragedy. It's been such a trying day - we still don't know what happened. People are angry that Tech didn't go into a lockdown mode as soon as the first shooting happened - but it's so hard to do with a school that big. Apparently he was having a disagreement with a girl - most likely his ex girlfriend in West Ambler Johnston. He shot her and she died. The RA came out to find out what was going on, and he shot him as well. We didn't know that the RA was dead for quite some time - my assumption is that he didn't die right away. Then, 2 1/2 hours later he ended up in Norris (engineering building) and killed 30 more people. Different reports are coming out - he chained locked some of the classrooms and killed people in there - just by randomly shooting. Another report is that he locked himself in a classroom and killed everyone in there. He ended up killing himself.
They aren't releasing his name yet - they have said that he's Asian. They think he might be here from China on a student visa. And that he was mad that his ex girlfriend broke up with him and was dating someone else - most likely an engineer. But we just don't know yet. Sean has a friend who is unaccounted for - he thinks his friend was killed, or injured. That's hard to deal with. Mandy Lee is safe - that's good. Her boyfriend lives in AJ, but he's also safe. And Ash is okay, along with the rest of the fraternity.
I feel so empty right now. And sad, and mad and frustrated. I'm sad for those who were hurt, killed, injured, for VT and Blacksburg. And I'm mad and frustrated that this jerk took away our safe place, or safe haven. How dare he. How dare he walk around my campus carrying guns and shooting people. He had no right to take someone else's life. What a coward he is. I'm glad he's dead - he wouldn't have lasted in prison. But now we have to be known as the school where the deadliest shooting in history occurred. That's not right. We're a peaceful school in a peaceful town.
They aren't releasing his name yet - they have said that he's Asian. They think he might be here from China on a student visa. And that he was mad that his ex girlfriend broke up with him and was dating someone else - most likely an engineer. But we just don't know yet. Sean has a friend who is unaccounted for - he thinks his friend was killed, or injured. That's hard to deal with. Mandy Lee is safe - that's good. Her boyfriend lives in AJ, but he's also safe. And Ash is okay, along with the rest of the fraternity.
I feel so empty right now. And sad, and mad and frustrated. I'm sad for those who were hurt, killed, injured, for VT and Blacksburg. And I'm mad and frustrated that this jerk took away our safe place, or safe haven. How dare he. How dare he walk around my campus carrying guns and shooting people. He had no right to take someone else's life. What a coward he is. I'm glad he's dead - he wouldn't have lasted in prison. But now we have to be known as the school where the deadliest shooting in history occurred. That's not right. We're a peaceful school in a peaceful town.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Changes
So things at work aren't that great. Yesterday, the CEO let the Controller go. No warning, nothing. And that was extremely upsetting. The controller had no clue of what was happening. And they way they did it was just wrong. He never had any inkling that there was anything wrong with his performance. But he butted heads with the CEO, and that's not allowed. And I can't work for a company like that. I'm not doing HR anymore - or very little of it. I have no authority to do anything there. They don't respect me, and don't listen to what I can offer. And I can't fight for that because I can't afford to lose my job. So it's time to start the search.
That being said, I have an interview tomorrow, and I'm very excited about it. The company sounds pretty cool - they work with schools (K-12) to provide safe learning programs. How awesome is that? We'll see how it goes tomorrow. Maybe this could be a good thing. I just know that I need that excitement again - it's lacking in my life right now.
That being said, I have an interview tomorrow, and I'm very excited about it. The company sounds pretty cool - they work with schools (K-12) to provide safe learning programs. How awesome is that? We'll see how it goes tomorrow. Maybe this could be a good thing. I just know that I need that excitement again - it's lacking in my life right now.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Is It The New Year Yet??
I'm ready for this year to be over. It's been quite a crappy one, with everything that has been going on. I know of so many people who have lost loved ones, and we're only in the 4th month! And work has been completely insane. I don't know how I'm expected to get all of the demands put on me done. There aren't enough hours in the day to complete everything. And I am completely sick of working 12-14-16 hour days. I have no life now, and I hate that. I need to get my own life back and get out there and meet new people. I need new adventures. I need things to look forward to again. And I don't have that right now. I don't like the person I'm becoming. I hate all this negativity that surrounds me, and I have to change that. I listen to some of my friends and they have no problems moving on. Why do I?
So it's time to change things. I need to sit down and figure out what I want out of life. I need to make my own goals and start working towards them, not away from them. And what better time than now to do that? I've got my resume almost all updated, so I can post that on a few websites and get it out to some of my recruiter friends. It doesn't hurt to look. And if I can find something else, then I can consider it. It doesn't mean I have to take it. But I need to find something where I'm excited to get up in the morning and go to work. And I don't have that right now.
And I need to get back out in the dating world. And that scares me since I see the type of guys that are out there. And it's a big trust issue. I don't trust men. I get sick of their stories. I see how some of my friends are. Look at Atlanta boy. He has toyed with me for so long, but he won't commit to anything. And we've had such a long history between us. But he makes me so wary about people. And look at Football boy. He's dating this girl who is completely wrong for him. They have nothing in common except for sex and alcohol, and he's so enamored by the thought of settling down that he'll settle for this. Married boyfriend tells me that if we had met now, we'd be together. How can he say that since he's married with child. And Married boyfriend #2 is getting divorced. He said he liked me, but it's not like we've gotten together at all. So what am I supposed to expect? I haven't heard anything from Music boy, which doesn't surprise me, but even when I try, nothing there. So I need to figure out how to meet others.
I need to get back to the gym. I resigned up at Lifetime. Now I have to make myself go. I'm hoping to go tomorrow morning - it would be a great way to start the week, especially since it'll be a very busy week (last week of tax season). And I need to research bike clubs and start getting active that way.
So it's time to change things. I need to sit down and figure out what I want out of life. I need to make my own goals and start working towards them, not away from them. And what better time than now to do that? I've got my resume almost all updated, so I can post that on a few websites and get it out to some of my recruiter friends. It doesn't hurt to look. And if I can find something else, then I can consider it. It doesn't mean I have to take it. But I need to find something where I'm excited to get up in the morning and go to work. And I don't have that right now.
And I need to get back out in the dating world. And that scares me since I see the type of guys that are out there. And it's a big trust issue. I don't trust men. I get sick of their stories. I see how some of my friends are. Look at Atlanta boy. He has toyed with me for so long, but he won't commit to anything. And we've had such a long history between us. But he makes me so wary about people. And look at Football boy. He's dating this girl who is completely wrong for him. They have nothing in common except for sex and alcohol, and he's so enamored by the thought of settling down that he'll settle for this. Married boyfriend tells me that if we had met now, we'd be together. How can he say that since he's married with child. And Married boyfriend #2 is getting divorced. He said he liked me, but it's not like we've gotten together at all. So what am I supposed to expect? I haven't heard anything from Music boy, which doesn't surprise me, but even when I try, nothing there. So I need to figure out how to meet others.
I need to get back to the gym. I resigned up at Lifetime. Now I have to make myself go. I'm hoping to go tomorrow morning - it would be a great way to start the week, especially since it'll be a very busy week (last week of tax season). And I need to research bike clubs and start getting active that way.
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